Beautiful Little Monstrosity
by FirePhoenix86
Summary: Would there ever be a fanfiction about? A simple question turned horrifying for all! When a little harmless quiz turns ugly, who ends up with who? Who is scarred for life? Who suffers engorgement charms on their @# %’s? Oh the Horror!
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I was reading through a person's profile and saw a most intriguing quiz. The kind where you make a list of 10 characters and then proceed to answer questions about them…there was one that made me laugh so hard I squirted Mountain Dew out of my nose (quite painful that is.) I then was attacked by a plot bunny (yet again) and just had to right this little monstrosity. By no means am I ever, ever, _ever _representing these ships in real life…I'm usually strictly canon when I write, but this was too great to pass up. Enjoy!

Rated M for horrifying images, and terrifying ships.

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**Beautiful Little Monstrosity**

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"You wanted to see me, darling?" asked Lily sweetly. She gazed with love upon the face of her boyfriend. So many people were shocked when she left James for him, but no one could understand the emotion she felt for this man. He was wise and caring. He did what was right, and didn't care what other people thought of him. Not to mention his insane love of sweets.

"Yes, Lily," responded Albus Dumbledore.

"What did you need sweetheart?" she asked. He looked at her sadly.

"Lily dear, this is very hard for me to say, but…I think it's time you moved on. I am an old man, this relationship just can't work out. Plus you have Harry to take care of and…I care about you very much, but I just don't love you that way anymore. It's not fair to you," he replied. He looked down at his hands clasped in his lap and waited for the explosion.

"You…you're…breaking up…with me?" she asked confused.

"Yes," he replied. She shook her head and the glint in her eyes was a dangerous one.

"I…I left my husband for you…I thought you loved me! You promised that if I left James you'd be there for me always!" she was yelling.

The portraits on the wall shook their heads at the current headmaster. They knew his secret and they knew even now he was lying to the girl. They had severely disapproved of this relationship, but even more the one Albus was hiding even now. But they were honor bound to keep the headmasters secrets so they kept quiet and stuck with the shaking of their oil-based heads.

"My dear, Lily. That was almost six months ago. I am very sorry, but sometimes feelings change, as you no doubt understand as your own feelings for your ex-husband changed. Please. I've paid for a nights stay at the Three-Broomsticks for you and Harry. After that, you will be on your own. I am sorry it has to be this way, but there isn't any other option," he said firmly. He popped a lemon drop in his mouth and it puckered at the sweetly sour taste. Had Lily not turned and ran from the room crying, she'd have noticed the slightly pink hue to the yellow candy.

"Good job, my ickle Doobie-kins," said a feminine voice from the corner. A brown-haired female removed her Invisibility Cloak and moved forward into the light. Albus's eyes lit up as he saw who had been spying.

"Ah, my dear 'Mione. Did you enjoy the show?" he asked. She giggled and smiled at him seductively.

"That I did, Doobie, why don't we discuss this in the other room?" she asked as she raised her hand up to her mouth and placed a single finger on her bottom lip. He licked his lips and stood up.

"Very well, do you wish to play our little game again?" he said as he took her into his arms before kissing her passionately.

"Why, _Headmaster_," she said out of breath. "I do believe I've been a bad girl. I guess that means I deserve a detention."

"Yes, you've been _so_ bad, you have to serve it with the Headmaster himself," he said seductively.

She raised an eyebrow and, to the relief of the portraits, the two escaped into the Headmaster's bedchambers. They all remembered the few nights before when the two couldn't contain themselves and proceeded to act out their sick fantasies right there on the Headmaster's desk.

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A/n: *shudder* Wow, that whole scene made me feel unclean, and shake with horror (or laughter I can't figure out which yet.) I'll be letting you all know what the answer to the quiz was that inspired this "story". Don't worry, it'll end almost close to canon… 5 total chapters. Don't give up on me yet people, I am realistic! Flames are allowed, since I know most of them would be humorus and I like laughing!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: I know about the gaping plot holes in the rest of this, and believe me it's driving me crazy…just pretend that (and if you've read my profile you how much this pains me to say) just pretend that James, Lily, Dumbledore, Sirius, and Harry all survived and are alive. I'm writing this as a Post-DH, but you won't understand why until the very end…trust me! Enjoy!

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Lily stumbled into the Three-Broomsticks carrying a trunk. Her eyes were red, but otherwise dry, since it had taken a few hours to pack up hers and Harry's things.

She glanced around and saw Harry, Ginny, Ron, Luna and Neville sitting at a table in the back. They hadn't yet seen her but she caught a glimpse of Harry downing a shot of amber liquid and steam shoot out of his ears.

_He's drinking Firewhiskey?_ she thought to herself angrily. Her son got a huge shock as she walked over to them.

"Harry James Potter, are you getting sloshed?" she asked. Once she had gotten closer she'd seen his glazed, dumb, happy expression and became furious. Luna and Ginny weren't nearly as drunk as Harry, Ron, and Neville were, but they were most definitely a very happy bunch.

"Uhn oh, Harry, I s'think you…you're in torble…" Ron slurred. Harry glanced up and saw his mother's angry red face.

"Mum! What're you doing 'ere? I thought you were…with you're lov-er?" Harry asked before hiccupping loudly. Ginny and Luna giggled shrilly.

"Get upstairs right now, Harry. Room 4. I will not stand for your attitude. You're grounded!" Lily demanded.

"You can't…ground me, I'm Harry bloody _James_ _Potter_. I saved the…bloody effing world, I can have a few…_hic_…drinks with my friends! Maybe you should just go back to the castle and shag your boyfriend…Hey! Where's Hermione?" Harry asked loudly. Lily's eyes had widened at his statement about her bedroom activities.

"I'm right here," she said as she entered the pub. She looked slightly windswept, but had a glow in her eyes and a wide grin. She wandered over to the group and gave them, Lily included, all a hug.

"Hello, everyone. I can't believe you guys started without me!" she said with a slight frown. "Well, I guess that means I just have to catch up!" She sat down next to Neville and took two double shots in a row. The steam escaping her ears was thick and purple. She coughed slightly as she set down the second glass as the others cheered for her.

"Lily are you going to join us?" she asked the older woman.

"I…" she started but Harry interrupted.

"No! I'm not going to sit and drink with my mother! Merlin, Hermione, why'd you ask that? Mum can go and join someone her own age, and maybe she'll realize that she should just _stay_ with someone her own age." Lily gaped at her son's blatantly rude attitude. He had never really been openly disappointed or angry at her about leaving his father, but tonight he'd mentioned it three times already.

"Don't worry, Lily," Hermione whispered to her. Lily smelled a familiar scent on the girls breath, past the liquor that is, but couldn't place it. "Harry's always had reservations about you leaving James, it just takes a few shots for him to get vocal about it. He was devastated when he found out about how James died, but while deep down he blames you for it, he loves you still. That's why he hasn't said anything to you yet," she finished, secretly enjoying the pain in the older woman's eyes.

Her red eyes watered and she turned away. She went to the bar and asked for her room key and proceeded to go up the back stairs to room 4, and sit on the bed. She wept for her failed relationship with Albus and also with James. She also wept for he ex-husband's untimely death by suicide. James's note he had left was for Harry and Sirius. It explained that he'd pined for Lily since they were thirteen years old, and he loved her so much, he couldn't live without her. Especially, imagining what she was getting up to with their old Headmaster.

Sirius was now in St. Mungo's in the same ward as the Longbottom's and Lockhart. He'd gone mad when he found out he was the last Marauder alive, and he was alone in the world. He'd also been the one to find James's body the next morning.

Lily only thanked Merlin it wasn't Harry who'd found his father.

Lastly, Lily wept for herself. She was now alone, her son hated her, no man would have her now since her affair had been front page news, and no one wanted someone who'd cheated on her husband (especially with a man who was 120 years older than her).

Lily sighed and went to the door and walked downstairs. Might as well get pissed and hopefully forget her woes and troubles. When she arrived in the pub, she noticed Harry and Ginny were missing and Luna and Hermione were chatting loudly and giggling like crazy.

"Girls, where'd Harry go?" she asked them.

"Oh, Harry and Ginny wandered off, probably shagging in her fathers shed or her brothers tree house," Hermione snorted. The two doubles were catching up on her, not to mention the three empty singles in front of her.

"Hermione, that's so mean. Now Lily's going to go cock block them," Neville stuttered. Luna, Hermione, and Ron all burst out laughing. Neville had picked up several Muggle phrases from watching the telly over the summer at his Muggle girlfriends house.

Lily looked horrified and was too stunned to act. Her baby boy, shagging some harlot in a shed? She reached over and grabbed two more doubles from in front of Neville and Ron and downed them quickly. Neville and Ron both cheered for her loudly.

She then strode over to the bar and ordered three more doubles and a pint of Mead.

"Yeh know, Lily, yeh should slow down a bit. S'not good ter drink Firewhiskey and Mead in the same night, yeh know?" said a gruffly voice from the corner. She looked over and saw a giant man with a bucket sized glass in front of him.

"Hagrid! It's nice to see you," she said as she slammed another double shot. "D'you mind of a join you?" she asked. He shook his head and she brought her last two doubles and the pint with her after paying. After she sat down she downed another.

"Yeh mind if I ask what's wrong?" he asked her.

"My life is like a Muggle soap opera," she mumbled.

"What's tha? Didn't 'ear yeh," Hagrid replied.

"Nothing. I'm just wondering why my life is spinning out of control. Why my son is out shagging that little whore in her dad's tool shed. Why I'm destined to be alone forever." Down went the last double shot, followed by a large gulp of Mead.

"Well, that's a lot ter be wonderin' about. Might I ask, what caused yeh ter question it all?" he asked before taking a swig of his Mead.

"Albus…dumped me," she said with a slight slurr to her words. The alcohol was kicking in. "Hagrid, do me a favor, if I pass out, will you bring me to my room, 4, later?" she asked him.

He looked at her, surprised that she would ask him that.

"Sure, no problem, Lily. How're yeh takin' the break up?" he asked her. The alcohol was loosening her tongue so to speak, so she had no problem answering.

"S'not as bad as I thought it'd be, I'm just going to miss our long talks." She sighed. "What about you, Hagrid? Do you have some part giant woman friend?" she asked for conversation sake. He looked at her oddly.

"No, Lily, I don't. The only other part-giant I know is Olympe, over in France. She's too high and mighty for my tastes, being French and all," he said. She watched him staring at the table containing her son's friends.

"Well, is there anyone around here that you'd date?" she asked as she stared into her emptying glass.

"A couple of people," he said evasively once again glancing at her oddly before turning his eyes back the other table. Lily had a waitress passing get her another pint and she looked back at Hagrid's face. For the first time she noticed he was staring hungrily at the other table. Luna had left, leaving Ron, Neville, and Hermione.

It took a moment to register, but soon Lily gasped.

"Hagrid! They're just kids," she whispered loudly. Hagrid jumped, forgetting she was there next to him and looked sheepishly down.

"Well, Lily Potter, who're you to look down on anyone for pining after someone a different age than themselves?" he asked wisely. She looked properly chastised and took another drink.

An hour later she was laughing and talking loudly, her love life and son issues forgotten. Hagrid was chuckling. He'd known when to stop drinking, so he could walk back to the castle without falling over, but poor Lily was completely sloshed.

"Hagrid, I've been wondering something," she said as she fell into the bench seat next to him. Her head rested against his chest as his arm was on the back of the benches back and he was leaning against the wall. He looked down at her green eyes and chuckled, causing her head to bounce a bit.

"Wha's that?" he asked thickly.

"I know that your mum was a giantess, and your dad a regular wizard, but…how did they shag? His _thing _wouldn't have been large enough for her to be…pleased would it?" she asked. Her normal reservations had flown out the window long ago and his wasn't very far after, though between the two he was by far the more sober. He chuckled.

"Well, Lily, yeh might find this hard ter believe but a simple engorgement charm on his—"

"Stop! No! Hagrid, for the love that is all magical and good in the world, please, never…_ever_…finish that sentence! Please?" she begged him as she laughed. He frowned.

"Well, you're the one who asked," he muttered which made her laugh even more.

The two finished a pint just as Rosmerta wandered over.

"Well, dearies, it's just about closing time. Hagrid, you mind helping her upstairs to her room before you go?" Hagrid nodded and Lily stood up swaying as she held onto the table. Hagrid heaved himself to his feet and reached over and picked Lily up and slung her over his shoulder. She screamed in glee and hung limply while she continued to giggle madly.

He marched up the back stairs and into room 4 and set her on the bed. As he turned to leave she stopped him with a question.

"Hagrid…do you happen to know an engorgement charm for me?" she asked innocently. He looked back and saw her green eyes burning as she walked over to him slowly.

The next morning, Hagrid woke up next to Lily, as she undid the charm placed on herself. She looked over at him and smiled meekly. His eyes widened as he realized what he'd done the night before.

"Lily, I…I don't know wha' exactly went on last night but I…we were really drunk and…I can't really be with yeh," he said quickly. "I've never really liked yeh that way." She smiled sadly. Suddenly she remembered a hazy conversation from the night before.

"Hagrid, which of those kids were staring at last night?" she asked. He looked surprised she'd remembered that.

"Er, I don't think I should be telling yeh that," he said evasively. She raised one eyebrow and put her hand on her hip, letting the blanket slip down. He glanced down at her chest and became flustered.

Finally he muttered, "Ron and Hermione."

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A/n: this one was longer, but there should only be three more chapters left. There will be three odd pairings in this, it doesn't really include them but it does have H/G, and Neville has a Muggle girlfriend. He's not with Luna. Sorry if people get a little sick reading this, don't worry, it all ends up good. Next chapter…Who does Lily end up with? Or better yet, who does Hagrid end up with? Please review, i want to know what others think!


	3. Chapter 3

After Hagrid made a hasty retreat, thankfully for the town of Hogsmeade he paused long enough to put on his clothes first, Lily stumbled down the stairs and into the pub.

"Well, dearie, how was your night?" asked Madam Rosmerta with a wink.

"What do you mean?" asked Lily groggily. She picked up a small menu.

"Well, I'm sorry to say, but you and Hagrid forgot the silencing charms. The whole street probably heard you two bumping uglies last night. Apparently it is true, bigger is better," the woman laughed loudly. Lily was horrified. It was one thing to have her dirty laundry aired for all to read on the front page of the paper, but to have them hear it as well?

"Oh my, I think I'm going to be sick," she murmured as she turned and ran for a loo. Once she had emptied her stomach, she left the loo to see Madam Rosmerta talking with a small blonde headed woman. She had sat herself near where Lily had sat and the older woman had no choice but to return to the spot to at least order room service.

If it were up to her, she'd never be leaving the motel room again.

"Hello, Lily," said Luna Lovegood.

"Oh, hello, Luna dear. How are you?" asked Lily.

"Oh I'm good. Probably not as good as you though," said the girl serenely. Lily gasped and looked over at the girl to see if she was taking the mickey out of her. Luna just sipped her tea contently. Lily frowned.

"What do you mean?" asked Lily.

"Well, when I returned last night to get my purse, I saw you and Hagrid were still drinking. I had a nightcap before heading home to Ottery St. Catchpole, so I was here when Hagrid had to carry you upstairs. You had a lot to drink, so I assumed you'd feel a bit ill this morning." Lily gaped at her.

"Are you taking the mickey out of me?" she asked. Luna looked at her in shock.

"Why would I do that?" she asked innocently. Her big wide eyes stared into Lily's and the older woman knew Luna simply wasn't capable of teasing anyone, she was too naïve and eccentric.

"No reason, dear. I'm just having a very bad day, well two bad days," said Lily.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My father and I are getting ready for our annual trip to Switzerland for our hunting expedition for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. You're welcome to join us if you'd like. Get away from it all?" asked the younger woman. Lily looked at Luna and smiled. She's always liked the girl before her.

"I guess it couldn't hurt. Besides, I need to make a quick trip to the Burrow later today anyways," she said.

"Oh, yes, I stopped there last night to let Harry and Ginny know that you knew they were there. If you were wondering they were in the tree house. The shed was occupied already."

Lily shook her head, not wanting to know who was using Arthur Weasley's shed as an illicit meeting place. She followed the girl outside and Apparated to the Burrow.

She walked up the front door and knocked loudly.

"Lily! What a surprise, come on in," Molly said awkwardly.

"I was just wondering if my son was here," said Lily. Molly nodded.

"Just a moment," she said as she walked over to the stairs. "Harry!" she yelled up them. They both heard a groan from way above them.

"Harry, please come down here," Molly said. Soon they heard feet coming down the stairs. Harry walked into the room, looking no better than Lily felt. He and Molly locked eyes and both turned beet red. Lily looked confused when Molly excused herself and nearly ran from the room. She saw her son visibly shudder and sit down at the table muttering about shed's and never the same. _Looks like Harry caught the persons in the shed last night,_ Lily thought to herself.

"Harry, do you remember seeing me last night?" she asked.

"At the Three-Broomsticks? Yeah," he muttered. He sipped a cup of tea Molly had placed there for him before scampering out.

"Do you hate me Harry?" she asked sadly. He looked up at her in shock.

"No! I don't hate you mum, I just…don't understand why you had to leave dad," he finished. She sighed and sat down.

"Harry, I cared about your father a lot, but we just weren't right for each other. He was too much of a prankster, and I wanted more of an intellectual person. I like having deep, thought provoking conversations, and James just didn't provide. This doesn't mean I don't love you any less. In fact, before last night, I thought you were handling it all very well. You're an adult, and I hope I can gain your trust again." She stood up.

"I'm leaving with the Lovegoods for their trip to Switzerland to find some imaginary creature. I need some time away from it all, some time to think. I should be back in about two months I think." She turned and started to leave.

"Wait, what about you and…Albus," he shuddered. After his mother and the Headmaster had started their relationship the old man asked Harry to call him by his first name.

"Albus ended it last night. We're over, that's part of the reason why I need some time away."

"Part of the reason?" Harry queried, relieved that the relationship was over.

"Well, I also need some time to get used to the fact that my baby boy is growing up and sleeping with girls in tree houses," she said with a raised eyebrow. Harry looked up in shock.

"How…"

"How did I know? Well, after I brought my stuff up to my room I went back downstairs to find out from your friends that you and Ginny had left for either a shed or a tree house…" Harry gulped when he heard the word shed. "I took it from Molly's attitude earlier that you didn't use the shed."

"I…we…" Harry stuttered.

"Just don't make me a granny too soon, please," she said as she kissed the top of his head before walking outside.

She wandered over and up a few hills towards the Lovegood's Rook shaped house and knocked on the door.

"Hello, lovely Lily! Come in, please," called Xenophilius Lovegood from an open window above her. She walked in and up a spiral staircase to the next floor.

"I don't understand daddy, why can't you come?" asked a tearful Luna. Xeno sighed.

"My dear, I just got a very large order, with several guidelines and deadlines, I just can't trust this to someone else. I will try very hard to complete this as fast as I can, but I don't think I can go on this trip. You invited Lily Potter along, you two are perfectly capable of searching for the Snorkacks together," he replied gently.

"But daddy, she's never been on a Snorkack expedition, I was looking forward to being second in command, I'm not ready to be in charge of a mission of this importance," complained the girl.

Lily thought this was the first time she had ever seen Luna act like a normal girl, if she put aside the strange creatures Luna was behaving like a teenager and whining like a child.

"Luna, if you don't want to go without your father we can wait," said Lily.

"Oh! No, we can't wait, the Snorkacks only venture out during July and August. If we wait until daddy can come we'd have missed a whole month of searching!" Luna cried. She ran to the stairs and ran up to her room and slammed the trap door in the floor.

Xeno sighed again and sat down rubbing his eyes.

"Am I asking too much? She's participated in this mission since she was five years old. She knows how to do it magnificently, I don't know why she's acting like this," he said.

"She may be an adult in the eyes of the Ministry Xeno, but to a parent, their child will never be anything more than their child. She's still coming to terms with being an adult I think, and leaving home without her father and not for school, scares her,"

"Truer words were never spoken," he sighed. "I really think she can handle the mission for a month without me. And you'd be there to keep and eye on her, so I see no problem with this. Do you?" he asked. She shook her head. She didn't know what the 'mission' entailed but searching for mythological creatures couldn't be too hard.

"Would you go talk to her for me? Convince her to do this?" he pleaded. Lily looked to the ceiling and sighed.

"Alright," she mumbled as she stood up and walked to the stairs.

An hour later the trapdoor opened and the two girls emerged. Luna was smiling as she walked up to her father.

"I'll go daddy, but you have to be there in August, alright?" she asked.

"Of course, my dear Luna, I wouldn't miss the August rush for the world," he smiled at her.

Later that day, Luna and Lily ran off to Switzerland together, for a month of alone time, searching for Snorkacks and sharing a tent.

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A/n: so I didn't make Lily and Luna a couple per se but it's implied that they were alone for a month in the mountains…think of it what you will. One more chapter left until the conclusion which will blow your socks off! Sorry this chapter wasn't as funny as the others, but you get to see a Not drunk!Harry, and a mother/son convo…Please review! Even flames...but keep it to a minimum please? I like good reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

Ron Weasley woke up on the lawn of Hogwarts with a hangover to end all hangovers. Next to him groaned Neville as he too woke to the bright sun, and chirping birds.

"Where's my wand?" mumbled Neville.

"Why?" moaned Ron.

"First, I'm going to kill you, for letting me drink so much last night. Then, I'm killing every bird in a one kilometer radius. Then, I'm going back to sleep."

"Hey, it's not my fault your girlfriend won't shag you so you drink your troubles away every night. Before you kill me, will you blast the sun away?" Ron asked pathetically.

"Mmm," was the reply.

"Mr. Weasley, Mr. Longbottom, what might I ask are you doing sleeping in the greenhouse?" asked a loud voice from above them.

"Greenhouse? I thought we were on the lawn?" asked Ron as he squinted his eyes to look around. Sure enough they were laying next to a window facing the sun, and on a bed of crab grass used in Potions classes. He looked up and saw Professor Sprout standing with her hands on her hips in a dressing robe and bright pink fluffy slippers. Her hair was in curlers and she was frowning.

"Ergh, I don't feel so good," Neville moaned. Ron glanced over and saw him on a bed of Squirreltail grass. Its puffy tips surrounded the man's face and he was breathing in the pollen from the feathery looking grass. Neville made a face and breathed in, then a sneeze exploded from him, immediately after sneezing he leaned over and puked onto the floor violently.

"Argh!" he yelled after rolling back over onto his back. Ron was laughing very hard at his friends pain. Neville rolled back over and blew his nose on the pile of sick.

"It came out of my nose," he moaned.

Sprout gagged before swiping her wand over the pile and vanishing it.

"I'll repeat myself. What are two graduates doing sleeping in my greenhouses, drunk of their arses?" she asked sternly.

"Can you please stop yelling? We were in Hogsmeade last night with a group and they all left us, broke I might add, without us being able to Apparate. So Neville recommended we come sleep on the Pitch. I don't know how we ended up in here," Ron said faintly.

"It started raining on the Pitch," Neville added.

"Just on the Pitch?" asked Sprout confused.

"No, I don't know," Neville said resting his head on the grass.

"Might I ask why you didn't Floo home? Or use the Knight Bus?" she asked wearily. Ron poked his head up.

"Why _didn't_ we Floo?" he asked the room in general. Neville moaned.

"How am I supposed to know? I can hardly remember my own middle name right now. I bloody sure can't remember last night. And frankly, the Knight Bus would not have been a good idea in our condition. Why were we even drinking?" he asked.

"Ginny and Luna graduated the other day." Ron was slowly sobering up and he sat up.

"Sorry Professor Sprout. We leave in a minute after I find my wand," he mumbled.

She shook her head. It happened every year, graduating students partied in the village and some ended up sleeping somewhere on the grounds. James Potter and Sirius Black ended up on the roof of the Owlery Tower without brooms, pissed out of their minds, and no one knew how they did it. Draco Malfoy and Lavender Brown were found naked as the day they were born in the Great Hall somehow also both pissed out of their minds.

Merlin was that a site seeing Malfoy waking up next to the prissy girl, just as she threw up on his…below the waist area. At least Weasley and Longbottom had given her a story to tell at the next Staff meeting later that day.

"You two need to get up and get home. Use the Floo in the pub," she said. Ron helped Neville up and they walked outside.

"You go Nev, I need to look for my wand," replied Ron. Neville nodded knowing he'd be no help so he headed down the long drive, head pounding, wanting to murder all living creatures for the noise they made.

Ron stumbled around for an hour, getting more and more frustrated as he went. He searched the Pitch, and the area around the lake, also the stairs leading to the front doors, and the vegetable patches. Around the Whomping Willow was bare as well. He was just about to give up when Hagrid arrived in front of his cottage.

"Oi! Hagrid, can you give me a hand and try summoning my wand for me?" Ron shouted despite his pounding head.

"Eh? Oh 'ello Ron. What are you doing 'ere so early?" he asked.

"Long story, I'd rather not talk about it. I've lost my wand somewhere on the grounds. Can you help me find it?"

The two searched for another hour before finally finding it planted like a flower in a pot in the greenhouse he had woken up in.

"How the bloody hell was I supposed to remember doing that?" Ron asked. He was angry and feeling ill after two hours of searching. He pulled the wand out of the dirt and did a sobering charm on himself, sighing in relief when the pounding in his head diminished.

"Heh, heh. Someday yeh will have ter tell me this story, Ron," Hagrid said softly. He patted the young man's back knocking Ron to the ground on his knees.

"Hey, Hagrid, did I tell you? I made the draft for the starting Keeper for Bulgaria! Now that Krum's gone and retired, they've been having a really bad season. Their Keeper decided to scarper and they picked me!" Ron said excitedly. Hagrid beamed at him.

"Aye, tha's great, Ron. So yeh're going to have ter live in Bulgaria?" he asked sadly. What he had told Lily that morning was true. Hagrid was crushing on the red-head.

"Well, yeah. I feel kind of bad, Harry and all my friends will be living here, and I'll be so many miles away. I kind of wish someone would come live with me, just so that I have a friend to talk too, outside practices and the team."

The two shared comments as they wandered back to the castle. Ron was going to ask the Headmaster if he could use his Floo to go home, instead of the long walk back to the pub and Hagrid had to venture up to ask his mentor a few questions about a new pet he was planning on getting, a Clabbert. It was fairly tame, so he didn't see the problem, he'd just need to keep a few in the forest for classes.

"Peppermint Humbug," Hagrid said the password and the stairs were revealed. The two wandered up unexpected only to find to their horror, Albus Dumbledore engaging in the same sick fantasies from the night before with none other than Hermione Granger.

"AHHH!!!" Ron screamed loudly when he saw Hermione laying across the desk with her skirt around her waist and her pigtails bobbing.

"AHHH!" Hagrid screamed as well but because he had been wondering if when Ron left the country if her could somehow convince the smart girl to visit his Cottage for a night. Seeing her already engaged the way she was, horrified him now that both his crushes were out of reach. He wasn't about to tread on his mentor's territory.

"AAAHHHH, YES!" moaned Hermione loudly while Albus grunted. Ron ran screaming down the stairs. While Hagrid, horrified at what he was seeing, couldn't move a muscle.

Hermione, who had heard the screams, but couldn't help the moan from escaping, stood up and dropped her skirt, while Albus dropped his robes down. Several portraits were sighing in relief that the disgusting scene was over and that the affair was probably over now that they were discovered.

She was redder than ever and mumbled an excuse to run out of the room.

Hermione ran down the stairs and returned with a petrified Ron floating in front of her.

"I'm sorry Ron, but I can't let you go running around telling people about me and my Doobie's relationship. Let me explain first, okay?" she said as she un-petrified him. He leaned over and vomited on her feet.

"Ugh, gross," she moaned as she waved her wand and vanished it.

"Ugh, gross? To a bit of puke? How about ugh gross to whatever the hell you two were doing on that desk?" asked Ron with a disgusted face. He sat down and put his head between his knees.

"Ron, we're in love. Please understand," replied Albus. He popped a lemon drop in his mouth, without anyone noticing the slightly pink hue to it again.

"Er," Ron said smartly after looking back up. "I just don't understand how this," he waved at her and the old headmaster, "happened."

"Well," began Hermione. "I don't know about my Doobie, but I started having feelings for him in my seventh year. All those head student meetings with him gave us something to talk about, and it just escalated for me."

"Alas, my feelings didn't surface until more recently. If I had known this would have happened, I never would have started up with Lily Potter. For that I am most sorry," nodded the old man sadly.

"I just…I think I need to leave now," said Ron. He stood up, and refused to make eye contact with either person. Hagrid was still standing near the door.

"Ron, in times of confusion, Lemon is a great brain stimulant. Would you like a lemon drop?" asked Albus as he picked up the container and offered it to the boy.

No one saw the horrified look in Hermione's face as Ron took a drop and popped it into his mouth, still without looking at anyone's faces.

"Come on Hagrid, let's go, I'll walk you to your cottage," he said turning around. Hermione held her breath until the two were out of the room. If anyone discovered her secret, she was doomed as was her relationship with her Doobie.

Ron and Hagrid walked together for a while and finally came to his home.

"Well, Ron," began Hagrid sadly. "I guess yeh'll be heading off ter trainin' camp soon, so I guess I'll say goodbye fer now. Just be sure ter visit when you can."

Ron looked up at the man and his eyes widened.

"Hagrid…I…come with me?" asked Ron desperately.

"Wha? Wha d'you mean, Ron?" asked the half giant.

"Hagrid, I just…I want someone there with me that I know and care about. Harry's busy with Auror training, Ginny's going into Healer training, Hermione is…uck, she's just busy. Everyone is doing something, and plus, I think you're the one I'd miss the most," Ron finished shyly. Hagrid's jaw dropped as he stared at the boy.

"I…don' know what ter say, Ron. Of course I'll come with yeh!" the half giant beamed. His wish was coming true.

The two spent the day making plans. Ron was planning on renting a flat, but decided on a large house instead, so Hagrid was comfortable. Hagrid, not questioning the sanity or health of the boy, never realized the connection to the Lemon drop he'd eaten in the headmasters office.

A month later they were moving into their new home in Mlkhaylovgrad, Bulgaria. Ron would travel to Vrasta for the Vrasta Vulture's team practice.

A month went by of heavy practice before Ron had a night off and for once wasn't exhausted. He and Hagrid shared a lovely dinner of Italian Shrimp Pasta, as Ron had discovered Hagrid was actually a good cook if he was using normal ingredients.

"Hagrid, luv, would you like lemon drop?" Ron asked the giant sweetly.

"Sure," he replied as he took a fairly large one. "Did Dumbledore send you these?" he asked.

"Yeah, he and Hermione sent them almost as soon as we left his office two months ago. I'm almost out of them though. I'll have to reply and ask for some more." The two sat in front of the fire for a while snogging before they headed to the bedroom for a night of engorgement charms and enjoyment.

* * *

A/n: shudder…never ever again will I succumb to these damn plot bunnies…must wash brain with bleach now…one more chapter to go…Please review, i want to know what people think!! Please!


	5. Chapter 5

Ron woke up screaming. He looked around and found himself behind his home in the field they used for a Quidditch Pitch. His wide, scared eyes looked around him searching for the giant in his vision…or nightmare, he didn't know which. He stood up shakily and started to walk towards the Burrow.

"Never, ever, ever, again will I look at him the same. Sick, bloody effing mind that man," he muttered on his way.

He arrived in the kitchen just as his mum was serving breakfast.

"Ah, Ron, I'm glad your back. George told me that you would be home this morning. What did he want you for last night?" she asked as she served him a heaping plate of scrambled eggs, bacon, and bangers on toast.

"Eh? Oh, he wanted me to test a new product, a new version of their Patented Daydreams, except these are real pranks. Slip them to your enemies and give them nightmares. I think the doses are too strong, I…" he shuddered as he remembered the last scene in his dream.

"What did you dream about?" asked Ginny with a smile.

"I don't want to talk about it…ever," Ron responded vehemently. Molly and Arthur shared a glance. Ron finished his breakfast in a few bites before walking upstairs. A minute later he came back down dressed in a new, clean outfit.

"I'm going to head over to the shop. Let him know that the Nightmare Munchies need a lot of work…a hell of a lot more work," he added in an undertone with another shudder.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk—"

"I _don't_ want to talk about it…_ever_!" he said again shrilly. Ginny grinned as he walked outside.

"Mum, may I go through the Floo, please? Pretty please?" she begged. Molly tut-tutted but waved to the fireplace. Ginny squealed and ran to it, shouting the name if the shop.

When she arrived she heard Ron shouting at their mischievous brother about something to do with Hagrid and engorgement charms, and Hermione and Dumbledore. She listened in to the conversation until she couldn't hold her laughter anymore.

She giggled as she heard George explain to Ron that there was no such candy as a Nightmare Munchy, "At least not yet. Who ever got you with that is a genius!"

This would teach Ron to mess with her dates ever again, she thought as she grinned madly.

* * *

Author's note: lol, so what did you think? It was all a dream, a sick, twisted, messed up dream. So the name of the person's profile I found this nifty quiz on is called **owlgirl16**.

I was enjoying some of the funnyness and then I read this one:

Would there ever be a fanfiction about: 1 is madly in love with 6 but when 6 dumps 1, 1 falls for 5. 5 however is crushing on 10 and 7 and can't decide. In the end, 1 runs off with 4, 6 gets 7, and 5 and 10 live together in Bulgaria! Fill it in and give the name of the fiction.

And this is what it came out as:

**Lily**** is madly in love with ****Dumbledore**** but when he dumps her, ****Lily**** falls for Hagrid. ****Hagrid**** however is crushing on ****Ron**** and ****Hermione****. In the end, ****Lily**** runs off with ****Luna****, ****Dumbledore**** gets ****Hermione****, and ****Hagrid**** and ****Ron**** live together in Bulgaria! **

I couldn't help but be coo at this helpless looking little bunny when it attacked me and forced me to sit and write this Beautiful Little Monstrosity. My own little wizard soap opera with a twist. **Please leave a review,** I'd love to know about how people reacted to this!


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